Louis Self
To Kiteboarding
Lou's Kiteboarding home page
To Comedy
Lou's Comedy home page

Arizona Lou

New Elements

THREE NEW ELEMENTS (First two from HealthCentral.com) 10/26/2003

 

FIRST NEW ELEMENT: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter If mishandled.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, sliver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

 

SECOND NEW ELEMENT: Man

Symbol: Xy

Atomic Weight: (180 plus/minus 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperatures, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane. Good specimens able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

 

THIRD NEW ELEMENT: Governmentium 10/7/08

Symbol: Gv

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons

(back to TOP of page)